I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
