The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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