You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
