my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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