Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
