One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
