if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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