I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Can Purell be used as lube?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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