I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
