As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
