Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
