Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
