If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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