Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
