I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
