I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
