After last night, I could never be a politician.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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