if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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