How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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