made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
