So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
We are all done wearing pants today
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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