had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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