oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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