You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
