I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
