I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
it's not cheating when I paid for it
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
