I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
