oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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