her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
