Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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