The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
