Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
