it hurts more in the daytime
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
