I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
