Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
