I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
