I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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