Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
