They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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