i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
