I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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