We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
