If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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