FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So much rum. So many feels.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
