My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
