I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
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He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
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I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
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