Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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