I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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