Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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