she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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