Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
