She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
