The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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