My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
