connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
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We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
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I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Enjoy the penises
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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